“Now that is the way to do it!” Gushed Slipjaw the Shameful from the Third Order of Sheol.

Following the news that the new Supreme Court nominee, Ketanji Brown Jackson, is close to securing the open judicial position, a firestorm of Twitter activity has erupted from the bowels of the demonic realm. On the heels of Jackson’s refusal to define the word ‘woman’, stating she couldn’t because she wasn’t a biologist, a host of influential demons took to Twitter to express their support.

Slobgob the Sinister tweeted, “That’s my girl KBJ!…Oops, I meant to say, my birthing human!”

Toadpipe, the devilish linguist who has spent his career twisting the meanings of the human languages, posted this zinger, “Straight from Eden’s playbook! Very clever indeed!”

Eden’s playbook, of course, is a direct reference to the first movements of Master Lucifer’s grand plan of subverting clearly understood truth by getting Adam and Eve to fall for feigned ignorance and clever distortion.

We contacted a few famous diabolic language experts who have spent many millennia studying the ancient Balleysbabble and Abyssal Hadean dialects to give us their professional analysis concerning the new nominee. After listening closely to Kentaji Brown Jackson’s response they said they can clearly see how “the first axiom of deceit” was utilized throughout her public testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

The first axiom, of course, concerns that brilliant, yet devious phrase that Lucifer originally planted deep in the heart of the gullible stooge, Eve. In stealth brilliance, he questioned the pathetic girl using cunning subterfuge, “Did God really say?” Those who have spent their existence practicing the craft of deception, know that this rather basic tactic was enough to convince Eve to abandon the clear moral mandates of the repressive Creator and trade it for the free and liberating world of murky subjectivity. 

When Kentanji Jackson bypassed the obvious definition for a “woman” and threw her lot in with the purveyors of the fuzzy and opaque, scores of raucous demons watching from Sheol immediately jumped on Twitter to express their glee. Crabbyback himself, the disciple of the legendary Wormwood, posted his approval, “Yes! Play dumb, deflect, and then let the infantile outrage of your enemy boil and burst. Those who appeal to morality and objective truth will be mocked to scorn. Well Done!” 

This remark is reminiscent of what the Dark Leader himself is often heard belching from the bottom of his favorite sulfur pit, “Let others write the laws and songs of the nation, but leave the defining of words to me!” Our satanic prince knows that if he can convince human beings that the Creator didn’t really mean what we know he meant, then earthly language becomes nothing but flexible putty and warm plastic goo in his powerful hands.

That is why this nomination is breakthrough news for the strategists of the demonic realm. For the last two hundred years, a united malevolent effort has been trying to secure influence for the Dark Lord in the highest corridors of power, American jurisprudence. Satan has always used his superior intelligence to focus the attention of his minions on the practitioners of law because he knows from years of studying human nature, that lawyers, judges, and the writers of legislation are the most vulnerable to the misuse of language. By blatantly appealing to their arrogance, he has fooled the best and the brightest minds to actually contemplate changing the most obvious of terms. A perfect case in point is the long-standing debate in many political circles of trying to determine what the meaning of “is” is.  And when an actual Supreme Court judge is willing to consider radical new meanings to terms that were once written in a culture’s collective stone, the chorus of hungry demons and cunning devils can only cheer considering the enormous possibility of raising Cain that awaits.

With the consummation of this Supreme Court vote, the new opinion that is bubbling out of the underworld is that the certain demise of American society has never been closer. One of the most disgustingly righteous and moral countries ever to exist is finally succumbing to the ancient practice of injustice, lies, and deceit. The plans of the dark world are finally coming to fruition.

Even this past week another great victory for subterfuge has occurred. Over 400 Yale Law Students signed an open letter opposed to free speech on their campus. “We write as a coalition of queer students and allies deeply concerned with the presence of armed police at a peaceful protest of law students on campus,” the students began in their letter as they voiced their opposition to allowing first amendment rights to be practiced on their campus. All around the country the work of the Devil is not just causing average people to change meanings to words that were once agreed upon by most simple-minded folk, but the majority of American society is now accepting words, terms, and definitions that never before existed.

Considering the topic of gender alone, there are now 68 of the silliest new terms that the children of Eve are creating out of whole cloth, and surprisingly a large majority of people are not even challenging the most ludicrous of the terms. Each time another word or phrase is coined you can hear both snickering and boisterous cheering ripple across the caverns surrounding the river Styx by demon and devil alike. Gobbledribble the Ghoul is especially excited about those earth dwellers who claim to be “gender void” and “gender apathetic”. ”If you can get humans not to care about the most obvious truths of reality, you already won the war because there is no one left to battle.”

Even though it seems like this statement from Ketanji Brown Jackson is a clear victory for darkness, this is not the time to rest and let off the gas of deceit. “You have to be very clever when you are convincing people to change their definitions,” says Slobglob, “because you don’t want them to catch on that the slippery slope of moral depravity is a real thing. But keep trying because once you can get stupid humans to believe that changing mere words actually change reality, you have got them, and sin is sure to follow right behind.”