Many people think that we die once, and that’s the end of things. The finality of this life on earth is a constant motivation for us to live our best life now, while we can. Unfortunately, I believe it’s possible for us to die more than once. In fact, on a daily basis, we can die constantly to a variety of different things, such as relationships, our children, even our dreams. We give up on these things in various ways, and in turn, implement small deaths that become almost impossible to recover from.

I went through a divorce a few years ago, and I made the honest mistake of thinking it hadn’t really affected me as much as it actually had. I was in such deep denial, that I told myself I didn’t need healing, that I was strong enough to weather this cataclysmic life change. The truth was, I was blinded to what was really going on.

As I passed through the divorce, I unknowingly allowed pieces of myself to die. I didn’t write. I gave up on things I loved – like reading and gardening. I withdrew from friends. The whole time, God was calling me to a place of healing, to a place of deliverance from the wound, but I kept chugging along, deeper into the darkness.

It eventually got to a point where I felt forced to close the doors of The Crossover Alliance, a Christian publishing company I had ran for five years. I couldn’t keep up with trying to balance time with my son, writing, publishing, editing, and the 9-5 on top of it all. In fact, I allowed the 9-5 to take the place of what I was called to do – write, edit, and publish. I buried myself in overtime – both to pay bills, and to feel like I was doing something with my life.

But it was all a deception. All a distraction. All an escape.

Because in reality, I had died. Died to relationships. Died to my passion. Died to my calling and dreams.

I felt like a walking corpse – the best parts of me left behind in the dust of the divorce, and the ‘barely functioning’ parts of me getting me through each day. Barely. It all turned into a game of survival.

It’s only been in the last year that I finally understand who I am, what God wants me to do with my life, and how I can go about moving in that direction.

I see so many people around me nowadays giving up like I almost did. I see countless posts now on social media of writers saying they are giving up and throwing in the towel. That their books aren’t selling, that they aren’t getting reviews, that things haven’t turned out the way they wanted them to. I see friends giving up on their dream careers, their hopes of having families of their own, their vision of a more abundant life. Discouragement has spread like a plague, and there doesn’t seem to be anything to lift it.

When my divorce hit, it turned my world upside down. When Covid hit, it turned the rest of the world upside down. When my job situation got flipped on its side recently, it threatened to send me into a tailspin. Those messes were something I never imagined I would have to face in this lifetime.

But a glimmer of something was found in all of these things. A shard of clarity that has helped me function once again. I realized two things:

First, things will never go the way we imagine they will.

And second, that’s okay. Though we won’t readily admit it, most times it’s probably best if things don’t go our way. God has shown me time and time again that His way is definitely better than any of mine.

In the last year, through the deepest, darkest parts of my healing, God met me where I’m at and reminded me of the times He brought me through – and the impossible things he has done in my life.

He reminded me of the nine years my (now ex) wife and I lived on one income while we pursued God’s plan for our lives, and the month-after-month of provision He provided as we walked out His plans in faith.

He reminded me of our move to San Francisco back in 2013 – when we only had $900 in our pocket and 13 days in a friend’s apartment to settle ourselves in the most expensive city on the West Coast – and the two years He sustained us out there.

He reminded me of the patience and inner courage He gave me when we moved back here to Arizona, a move I didn’t want to make. My grandfather’s suicide shortly after that. And the divorce a bit of time later.

God in all of His grace opened my eyes to what was really going on with me, to the death that I had incurred that I had never really recovered from – the death of my belief that He could raise the dead.

Over the last year, He has drawn me back to Himself. Reminded me of who He is. Reminded me of what He has done. And in doing so, He has resurrected the dead parts of me…

Resurrected my passion for writing…

Resurrected my faith in the impossible…

Resurrected my calling…

For those of you who feel like giving up – or who have already given up – on your dream, on what you once believed was your calling…don’t. Just because things look a certain way around you, doesn’t mean they are the final picture of your road’s end. As cliché as it sounds, it is always darkest before dawn. Hold out. Continue to do the good work. You need to remember when you knew you were called to do what you’re doing now and realize that circumstances don’t change a calling, nor do they determine when or where the end of your road will be reached.

He does.

I learned some things that each of us can take to keep our heads above water and come back from the brink of these dark seasons:

• Know your worth to God.  You are valuable to God. One of the most damaging things that happened to me during my dark season was the loss of my identity. I had, in many ways, tied it so closely to my wife of 12 years, that when the divorce occurred, I was left with confusion as to who I was, where I was going in life, and what God wanted for me. I actually thought – as silly as it sounds – that with her gone, I couldn’t have the same level of faith anymore, that I couldn’t step out and do the impossible things that God may call me to. Nothing was further from the truth. God has slowly been restoring my relationship with him, reminding me that I am His child, and that He has a plan for me – with or without a significant other.

• Remind yourself of all the times God has been there for you in the past. When the Israelites were traveling through the desert, there were countless times they had to be reminded of the times God had been there for them – even days after miracles He just performed for them. We tend to get wrapped up in the moment, see God move, and then get comfortable with not relying on Him shortly thereafter. I’m guilty of this myself.

• Remain tethered to a community of both believers and those who can encourage you. When I was going through my own dark season, I tended to withdraw from people sometimes, just because I wanted to live in my head and face my pain alone. That is not the healthy way to approach things. Going to DivorceCare, reconnecting with ghost friendships in the last year, and making new friends at my local church has helped me to get out of my head and get back into reality.

• Serve others. One of the most important things I did to help move out of the dark season I was in was to serve in my church. I started running the computer system for Celebrate Recovery classes, then for the actual church services. I helped out wherever it was needed. Built escape rooms for the youth group, served as camp counselor, and just made sure to remain plugged into the church system serving others. It helped me get my focus off of myself and put it where it belongs – on Him. On others.

• Reengage in your passions. When I was walking through my dark season, I had given up on everything that used to bring me joy. Video games, gardening, reading, exploring nature. I gave up on all those things because I didn’t think they could bring me happiness anymore. They felt insignificant to the overwhelming pain I felt. But even returning to these things little by little every day helped me realize that there is joy in the little things, and it helped to turn my negative attitude around. Especially when I returned to writing stories. That one really made a big difference.

He’s calling you today, tonight, to lift your head, stand tall, and keep moving forward, to resurrect your dead or dying dream. It’s still there.